one day @ a time

I wonder if anyone actually reads the page :P

Ah well... it's a good way to get my thoughts out, crystalised and another way to postpone a 'nate-going-postal' event...

You know what they say about justice (karma even), coming around... what can I say, but it's so true :)

I'm only realising the effects and consequences of actions I've incurred over the last few months - even though I had acknowledged them in my head, it's another thing to live through them

As much as I'd want to have a significant other right now, I'd have to be brutally honest and also acknowledge that I'm probably not personally, or spiritually ready for one - funnily enough, in hindsight, I don't know if I've ever been ready :P

What the most painful aspect is, but also the aspect in which I'm kinda excited to be in at the same time, is that I'm in a position to learn so much about grace - about giving and receiving it, from Him. I'm actually psyched... dunno, I think there's something wrong with my head :P

I'm lucky, to have such a foundation in which I can learn, that even if I hit rock bottom, I still have my family that support and love me, and above all, I still have an awesome, awesome God that's cheering for me.

Hmm... putting it that way, that's a pretty awesome rock bottom, huh :D


"Your voice has stilled
the raging storms

The wind and waves
bow down before

Your still, small voice
brings hope to all

who wait on You
We'll wait for you"


"To lead us to the place where you'll restore our souls
and all our earthly strivings come to cease"

Excerpt from a song by Tim Hughes that has kept me going, kept my eyes on Him. Just gotta take it one day @ a time, one day @ a time...

relational defect...

found out an overwhelming amount of information over the weekend, and end of last week - has been a lot to absorb, and a lot to deal with. As complicated as I thought life was before last week, it's now infinitely more complex :S

i don't understand... why relationships cause so many problems, or is it just in my world? Everywhere I look there are people breaking up or issues with the 2 people not even being allowed to get that far, due to external influences or circumstances... or even past history...

is love really meant to be this hard? or difficult to find?

i feel a little envious when i see a couple together, but it really saddens me when i see or hear about when a pair can't be

and weirdly enough, all of the above I've written void of my own situation... it's all based on the information I've learnt over the past few days...


then again I come home to my parents being married for how long (hmm... just how long is it... I should know this right...), Leanne and Aun having been together for what seems forever now, and Jo & Mitch being pretty cool too (would take a lot of heart to make something work over such a long distance!)

hmm... I seem to be the relational defect in the family...

the w/end summary...

have come off a marathon week averaging 4hrs sleep per night... and a fairly busy weekend too, which I suppose is a good thing - I mean, I could be bored with nothing to do, hey...


last thursday-fri went somethin like:

"work all day, head to chew's to work even more, dash down from glenny to the city late @ night to record sounds, dash back, leave chew residence late, go home, sleep for minimal time (t'is now Fri), wake up, go to chew residence early in the morning, work on sounds, go to work, come back during lunch, finish sounds, ago back to work, do entire days worth of work, go home, sleep, wake up, go to cell... stay up late, beat everyone in poker... :D" Go home, with 4hrs sleep for that last 48hrs... end up sleeping @ 4am anyways, chatting online :'(

sat:
"woke up with nearly not enough sleep, went shopping for snow stuff, go to Dan's 21st @ Limor's, go to Chen & Cindy's liverpool celebration, stay till 2am... go home... talk online again till 3:45am..."

sun:
"Wakeup @ 12, still not having caught up any sleep missing from the week, line up for half an hour to get tix @ Village (Knox) for Batman... see Batman with Roger and Karen... Shop for phone for Karen, race to church for practice/prayer... stand up and belt my vocal chords... go to tung wo to eat, get emergency call just AS I sit down, break into a house to recover files, send files, and head BACK to tung wo... eat... and then go home - again sleeping @ 2-3am :(


Argh... was tiring just TYPING that... :S The w/end in brief... NOT...

ohhh... so tired...

*weary smile*, tiredness beginning to kick in... body is aching, and eyes are dry. But thanks to Josh who sent me the song "Blessed be Your Name", I've been able to draw my strength from Him.

Whilst the song "Beautiful One" adores God, "Blessed be Your Name" speaks about being firm and unwavering in our recognition of God, when things are as they should be, or when things seem bleak and dark.

In the last few days, I have stood there, feeling sometimes so alone, so helpless, and yet being able to be so secure because I know my God is good.


"When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name"


I have a natural tendency to repress things - when I hear bad news, my natural instinct is to try and push it down as far as I can inside of me, smile and say it'll be ok... which is why my current playlist is so cool.

"Blessed be Your Name" helps me deal with where I really am... it helps me to accept the times when I'm not in a good way, bringing me to a place of brokenness, a place where I can stop trying to keep everything in the air, and let it all just fall to the ground.

Then I lose myself in "Cry Holy", which brings me to a place where I can focus not on me, but on Him, crescendo'ing on "Beautiful One".

And at the end I come away with a mix of awareness, at the the reality of my situation, peace (at the re-affirmation of who my God is) and a hope that is based on something that isn't just wishful thinking :D

I'm the last to claim any semblance of extra special wisdom within me - so please, don't get the wrong idea, I'm not preaching... but just sharing bits of me :)

OMIGOSH...

My lil sis Jo got the job with Accenture!! WHOA

simply awesome

I HAVE to just blurt this out... like Tom Cruise about Katie Holmes...

GOD ROCKS

Have been on an absolute high in the last couple of days - since my dad handed me the Tim Hughes CD, have been listening to the song "Beautiful One" on constant repeat (have added Cry Holy (p/shakers) and Blessed be Your Name (M/Reddman, c/o blurtz chan up in Syd) to the playlist since)

I've also averaged on the low side of 4-5 hrs sleep over that same span, and usually I'd be grumpy as, but I have been so fully psyched - There is something so releasing about feeling a connection with something so much bigger than you... but it can't be just that huh, cuz that normally leaves u feeling insignificant - but with God... it's just the opposite... everyday I've come out feeling like I can make a difference

I've gone through some pretty emotional highs and lows in the same span, but He just makes it all that much better - in the highs, His presence frees me to feel even more... free

And in the lows, His hugeness helps me know that what's happened is really not as big as I thought :)

I struggle with issues of acceptance, self worth and of loneliness a lot... but when I check in with Him... I come out knowing, that even if I do end up alone, that it's going to be ok

"I fall down, on my knees
and cry Holy is the Lord...

*KEY CHANGE!! :O

WORSHIP HIM!!
Worship Him, and ADORE :D"

You cannot sing that, and NOT be awed :D

Someone find me this girl :O

OMIGOSH... not to make a big deal about it... but she sounds sooooo perfect :D

Sidenote: I think it would actually freak me out a little to be with someone that was this into games though... call it another of those nice-in-concept ideas.

But the whole 'hot' thing, hmm... yeah, I think I could live with that... :D



"Gentlemen, she exists. A woman who loves to play videogames, cares about the industry, has opinions on everything, and isn't afraid to share them. A woman who loves to watch anime, reads manga regularly and takes yearly trips to Japan.

Did I mention that she's absolutely gorgeous? This is a woman who has no problem with booth babes, likes her female videogame characters hot and scantily-clad, designs T-shirts on the side, and has dreams of producing her own manga.

This is a woman who took a photo of herself licking a PSP in a very suggestive manner, who writes an online videogame column, and couldn't wait to attend E3. She plays WoW and Silent Hill and Final Fantasy. She knows what Guild Wars is, and she has an account. She owns all the systems."

- www.kotaku.com


IGN Babes Interview: Jessica Chobot
[IGN Babes]

day in the sun...

... for lack of a proper, imaginative title to this post :S

had intended to get up early for this day, so I could get some work done (or at least appear to) before leaving early - had even set the alarm for half an hour earlier than the usual, but alas, the next thing I know my dad is knocking on my bedroom door and it's 9:45 :S Scurry out of bed, into/out of the shower and away to work...

got there about 10:30am, busied myself with a few bits and pieces, then stopped by ami's place for instructions during lunch :S Am helping her out with her animation minor project in the area of sounds (which reminds me, I should really get started on it...). So i have with me now a motley collection of CDs containing nothing but effects... would be a good way to rock up to a traffic light... windows down, the sound of horses neighing emanating from my car...

ANYWAYS...

had a weekly meeting in the arvo, which concluded a very minimal day :D Raced home to get changed for the ACS Scholarship presentation...

which was still something dubious in my mind... wasn't sure exactly what the whole deal was :S Anyways, me and my dad headed up to the city to meet my mum up there... previous years had the presentation @ parliament house, we got level 46 of the telstra building... what they call the 'investment centre'...

entered the building, pressed the button for the lift... we get in, and two of my lecturers (that actually know me (for those BIT people out there reading this, it was Stas and Dave Kelly)) from last year get in with us... and I'm wondering if I should say something, when Stas breaks the ice by asking if I was prize winner... I managed to mumble yes, and he was impressed, telling me and my parents what a huge deal it was :S

we get out of the lift, grab some name tags and I have to admit, the scene was somewhat impressive - the whole floor was just windows, with an unblocked 360 degree view of the entire city - plasmas on the wall and an array of drinks in wine glasses... actual proper, nice wine, nothing cheap... was starting to think... hey, maybe this isn't some dodgey ceremony...

after milling around and taking in the view, we eventually made our way into the presentation room, where I got to shake the ministers (state, for ICT, Marsha Thompson (the little short lady)) hand, receive a framed certificate and get a few pics (below: i do my best shiny eye impression) - felt very surreal...



then another photo with all the scholarship winners with the minister again... that one felt like a high school pic :P Me and my friends kept cracking jokes about short people up the front, hand on legs, sitting down...

after which me, mum and dad made an early exit (not before they managed to score two glasses of red :S) to eat dinner @ richmond... viet beef noodles being a nice contrast to the 46th floor of the telstra building... came home, and that was the night :)

---

I'm still a little dubious about the whole thing and it's relevance to me, but what I really enjoyed about the night, what I really got a kick out of, was being able to take my parents to something like this - to have them hear, in that lift on the way up, how much of a big deal this was, to have them being invited guests at such an extravagent venue, and to have them sitting down and listening to a minister of the government referring to us as the creme of the crop, the future, of ICT in Victoria. To be able to give my parents something that they can be proud of... is just the coolest thing

my dad video'd the whole thing, and has been playing it back all night :S

yikes, it must be bad gadget day :(

"Brooklyn is up in arms. Someone is selling a hand-held video game called Laden Vs. USA that features planes flying into the World Trade Center for about $5 on Coney Island Avenue. The game’s box art includes pictures of Bush and Osama superimposed over pictures of a flaming World Trade Center. The New York Post has a mini review:

'The packaging claims it’s a boxing game, but when The Post turned on the sickening toy, the object appeared to be to drop bombs on planes flying into the Twin Towers.'"

- www.kotaku.com

on a much sadder gadget note...

when u hear something like this... this just isn't right :(

"A 13-year-old boy jumped from the top of a high-rise so he could meet his computer game friends in heaven. Xiao Yi plummeted 24 stories to his death, leaving behind four notes, none of which even mentioned his parents.

The Tianjin boy’s parents told reporters that the boy was heavily addicted to gaming and acted like someone taking drugs. The last time his parents found him in a cyber café, the boy hadn’t eaten in two days.

While I’m sure computer addiction exists, I’m equally as sure that the people who most suffer from it are missing something in their lives. It’s sad to read about something like this, but worse to think that families around the world don’t look beyond the symptoms to what may be really causing the problems in a young person’s life."

- www.kotaku.com

Young addict’s suicide sounds stark warning

not a bad way to start a week...

got in about 10:30am, did a few web edits, but other than that... was busy trying to look busy :D

just heard from Leanne that we got a new tv... can't wait to get home and, uh, 'test' it out :D I lurve gadgetry goodness...

maybe this'll be the sight that greets me when I get home :P



on a slightly more azn note... how squinty are her eyes... :S

and finally, the log for stardate yesterday (sunday)

woke up @ 2, played a bit of tennis, a bit of ball and then went to church... Elton spoke, was pretty fun (although I still have a few doubts about such a focus on strategies - refer to previous blog: and on the topic of growth)

then went off to coco lounge, had dinner with ami and then headed home... hey, that was a pretty short day, huh :P

argh...

so blogged out for the day... sundays trangressions will just have to wait till tomorrow :P g'night, g'night everyone!!

and then it was saturday...

... josh just sent me this pic... how cute is it... it's fuji, from prince of tennis :D



saturday entailed waking up @ 4pm (MUCH need I tells ya) - had a family dinner to celebrate Jo's 21st :D Was half a steamboat and a boat load of oysters... not bad...

then headed down to glenny to meet up with some of the guys - had called them and they said they weren't going to stay there for much longer, so the intention was to go down, stay with them until they left and then head to a cafe and read a good book :) Well, didn't have any good books, so Dan Brown was the next best thing...

didn't really work out that way though - went down, hung with Cassidy, Dre, Daz, Ange Lim and Ange's friend (sharon?). Aun and Leanne joined us a little bit later too... and they ended up hanging around till 10:30?! then me, cassidy and dre went upstairs to try our hands @ that resident evil (warcraft III) map yet again... wasn't too bad actually, I think we're actually getting the hang of it... was a quickie as dre had to head off and I ended up hot chocolating with ami @ pancake parlour till 1:30am in the morn...

so my grand quiet-book-reading-in-cafe scheme was postponed, yet again...

eep... I have heaps of blogging to catch up on...

three days!! Argh... and it's 1am Sunday night... where did that time go... guess starting from Friday...

headed into work, got to work on more web design - which is FUN as (I lurve being creative, tho I sometimes hold my creations a bit personally and therefore when people say it's not right... but that's another blog for another day :P).

Only prob is that the design is for THE main product for the division only DAYS before the LARGEST telecommunications tradeshow in the world (hosted in chicago) - and we're supposed to come up with an entirely new look & feel for a site really needs a much bigger overhaul - Agilent N2X

u don't want to know just how much one of those things are...

left to get a hair cut (was getting really shaggy) @ hair creations - yah darius, east west might give a better cut, but i dunno... jeff isn't bad, and it's always cool to catch up with someone AND get a trim... there's something cool about killing multiple things with one stone... anyways, this is the new me...



looks like the old me? yeah, that's what ami said too :S Whilst there I bumped into Andy Quah and Raya (ami's friend)... see... it's more than a hair cut, it's a social gathering...

went home for a snooze and then went onto andy q's place for combined cell... and whilst the topic covered was a bit dubious, the fellowship was fun as...

after cell had finished was just wondering around a bit aimlessly talking to random people - bumped into K.Lee, and we started chatting... we hijacked Al Wong and the three of us started talking about "21st century chivalry"... was a fun as...

Ended up gathering a swarthy bunch of people, conversation going all the way till 1am :P Was good stuff... oh, and if u see victor, just raise one of ur hands in the air, and pretend like ur riding a horse... dun worry, he'll know what it means ;)

one day down, two more to go...

sometimes the best plans... what's the end of that phrase... hmm...

... ANYWAYS, got out from work, which was fun towards the end - Had finished up a minor project in the morning, and got to play around with a web page design... now that was fun :D Get to do more of it tomorrow, although I might actually have to put some content in. But it's different to coding and is different enough to make work that little bit interesting :P

about those plans... oh yeah, got out of work and figured... hmm, have been feeling weary and worn lately, how about a quiet night in some cafe with a good book and a hot drink... Mmm... even now that sounds good :P

Got home, no one there (parents were eating Viet, sis's were... eh, like I ever know...) - emptied my room of the miscellaneous beer bottles and cups that had accumulated, jumped online and :O...

A HUGE amount of anime had just been translated and released (ah my goddess, naruto and prince of tennis), like 10+ new eps for me to d/l!! So bunged off to KFC (figured it's gotta be more wholesome than anything I could concoct from the bits & pieces @ home), came back and instead of being a nerd in public, I've spent the night being a nerd in private :P

flat spots :)

"it's one thing to be in a wilderness, but it's another thing for a wilderness to be in you"
- Ps Kevin Gerald

last couple of days have been feeling a little flat & drained - been praying a bit & singing, but it's one of those times where u feel like it's all just hitting the roof :)

i keep reminding myself, that these times come... and that u can learn so much from them, and grow.

Rings a little hollow sometimes, but to paraphrase the immortal Jensen Ma (no, not in the undead sense) - even though God might not be coming through for me in the way I want Him to, I still believe that He's a good God

Even tho it feels like He's so far away, when i quieten myself... and start to really look deep down... i can see Him there, cheering me on :)

post wednesday night review...

hmm... i was extremely productive @ work between 6pm-6:30pm, after which i lost the plot again & decided to get along home :P

@ home, watched eps 163-165 of Prince of Tennis... all I can say is 164 had been cacking :P

Ami calls, drags me out to chaddy for the 'vip' sales & i turn into baggage handler for the night... saw a certain guy and his girl 'friend' leaving Myer, but I won't name any names-tho if he was any more rice... :P

BUT the highlight for the night, was after chaddy, filling petrol near the freeway entrance - I FOUND 'EM!! Da mutha load, da s!@$ :D Gummi Skittles!! Was a total rip (u know, cuz they figure they can charge any price they want in a petrol station), but yuuuummm...

g'luck for exams y'all :)

just finished reading dechoko's latest blog... t'is good stuff, the guy IS disciplined :D But ya, knuckle down y'all uni students out there, g'luck and God bless for the exams! Will hang wit ya's when ur dun, n that'll be soon enuff :)

darn it

couldn't find any gummi skittles in either Safeway or Coles in Glenny!! this is so stupid... jo says she found them in an IGA... what the heck...

didn't end up restocking either - ended up taking a tour of the newly refurbished ong residence, was quite nice... quite a huge place for three people :)

ah well, grab another cuppa and hopefully stay awake for this last stretch of the day... will probably head down to chaddy to wander around the 'VIP' sales tonight, *cough*, vip, yeah right... :P

not good...

migosh... fell asleep a few times @ my desk... i actually got to the dreaming stage :S hopefully wasn't noticeable... guess it's time for lunch. And some h/core coffee...

going to eat my 3min noodles and then head out to glenny to restock+continue my hunt for the gummi skittles... looked last night @ 3 diff supermarkets and STILL couldn't find 'em... dunno how Jo was able to get 'em :S

so sleepy, *yawn*...

i really dun have any idea where i got this 'more' free time concept :S Since blogging about having to get used to it, i haven't come across any! Maybe it's reverse psychology @ work :o K, let's try this... "it's hard getting used to being so cash-strapped..."

trying to think back...

it's always a bit worrying when u have to really struggle to remember what u did two days ago :S Either means I'm coming down with Alzheimer's (omigosh, I actually spelt that right) or that I got so wasted that I can't remember - wishing it was the latter, but acknowledging that it's most probably the former :(

Monday was work as per... later than normal as I snoozed my alarm to lateness :S Went to walrus in springvale for dinner with distant relo's from Singapore - dunno why u'd name a chinese (?) restaurant after such an awkward animal. It'd be kinda like naming a yum cha place "giraffe"... hehehe... what about "cats&dogs"...

Tuesday was work again... hang on... which day was I late on... probably both :S Anyways, being the last day for Entertainment Book 2004 coupon redemption i met up with ami @ Saigon (viet) restaurant in glenny - it's right near PJ Malaysian... had no idea it was there :S Wasn't bad, and not too expensive so maybe an alternative eating spot in the future...? One to keep in mind @ least... bumped into matt pastor, who gave a hidey ho... back to work for a meeting that didn't happen (usually a waste of time anyways)

dinner @ home, then jamming @ church - was good, practicing a few different songs, got onto the guitar for the night and actually managed not to stuff up horrendously (gee, i managed to spell that one right too :D) - was not a bad session, came out with a quietly good time :)