"providence"

It might have been “providence”, the word she used only a few days before, that I wrote and experienced that last post... for last night I received a formal “no” answer to what had been a few months period of waiting.

Even in light of the last post, I still felt incredibly sad. The last couple of months had been something in my life that had been amazingly light-bringing to me and incredibly positive, and to have to let something like that go is still harder than the pre-awareness I had could shield me from.

It took me a couple of moments to come to terms with the possibility a couple of days ago, but when it actually happened, it just hurt... still does.

Wasn’t going to be able to get much sleep anyways, so I woke up early, went through a full set of exercises and got through a lot of personal banking/admin and then went down to lunch... and it was ok... had been wondering if I should go for cricket training today... or if I would use that time to hide away from the world where I could...

But I decided to go... and I took part more than I’d ever done before... I bowled, I batted and fielded... and in the sun, as I continued to live life as full as I could @ every moment, the memories of the night started to fade away... phone calls from/to my closest friends started to reveal life’s goodness to me again, and later on, after hip hop class, when I see my friends again, I will be almost whole again

I AM a little irritated... before this all happened, I was happy being single!! I wasn’t looking for a relationship, and had been fine with the idea just being me!! Having your heart handed back to you sucks, and I’m almost stubbornly going to strive now to never have to give it to anyone... to be ok with me, and just me. It’s so much safer... and less painful...

At the end of the day, I failed forward, and I’ll get up, dust my heart off, and keep walking. I took the risk, it didn’t come off, but that’s ok, it really will be. Somewhere out there, there might be someone on Earth that might somehow love me for who I am, but until that day, I’m still more than satisfied chasing the someone in heaven that’s done that since the day I came into this world :)