I feel like laughing-crying-smiling-yelling all at the same time; it's been such a long sprint, it's been confusing, mostly because I haven't had the time to stop, reflect, and just spend that time with me and my God
Where to start? Wonder if it works if I just do it in straight chronological order...
Tues 3/4:
The day I pick up my new bike, after a few days of lots of communication back and forth, and a 3hr roundtrip to Maidstone, after waking up & getting to work @ 7:30am; later on that night, I get to unwind a little by seeing the new Audrey Tautou movie with viki, but by the end of it all it's late, and I'm exhausted
Wed 4/4:
The number plate I've been hankering for arrives in the mail, which after another long, tiring day @ work puts a small smile on my face, but then suddenly my day takes a sombre turn with news of Grandma's passing; I meet up with Mikey later that night, as the news of passing only slowly, slowly starts to register; again, I finish the night much later than I'd hoped, and again with no chance for personal and quiet respite
Thurs 5/4
Work is still a rush of activity as the project I'm on is reaching it's climax, with me at the core of it all; attempting to keep it going, deal with my Grandma's passing, and get as much as I can done before a long night in a farewell to Yen Pan & Dik Siew; again the night, whilst not a terrible one, ends much later than I wanted
Fri 6/4
Wedding @ midday, Easter play rehearsal in the afternoon and wedding reception in the evening; the day just seemed like an endless transition from one thing to another, all the more confusing with unresolved emotions still floating around as well as a physically exhausted state
Sat 7/4
A brief but significant break for me; I get to half-sleep in till 3:30 in the arvo, allowing me to catch up on some much needed sleep; help Jo a presentation for the funeral and then, it's off to the gentlemen's tournament, where in my half-aware & untrained state I manage to win one, lose one, then run off to practice for the Easter play, then go home to catch 3.5hrs of sleep...
Sun 8/4
...before having to wake up @ 5:30am to pick up Leanne from the airport; thank God for the 4pm sleep in on Sat :S Drive to the airport, come back, change, go to church, act, have lunch, go to viki's and then bum the day with her... all the way until 3-4am Monday morning :S Yikes... even just mentally recapping that spurt is scary...
Mon 8/4
TRIED to sleep-in, but calls & msgs kept waking me, so mission-not-really-accomplished; get up & dressed for the private viewing for my grandma, head back to my grandma's for dinner, then head all the way to Bundoora for Will's surprise, and then head all the way back, to try and get very little sleep for...
Tues 9/4
... the funeral, for which we all have to be up @ the crack of 7:30am; not only a day of incredible emotional stress, but physically exhausting as well, falling asleep in cars and at home for 15-20mins at a time to just keep up with it all
A beautiful day, and needless to say, an incredibly sad day; the day, that I've had not time to prepare mentally for, given lack of time, and just crashed into, and therefore found myself trying to deal with it all
Sad moreover, that even though I was farewelling my grandmother, my father was saying goodbye to his mum, that last of his parents, the devastatingly haunting image of an eldest son having to let go of his mum and dad for the last time; it is at last, my realisation of that significance, that gives me a deeper breadth of what it all means
Wed 10/4
And here I am, back at work, again at the end of a day too long, still running, still looking for a place to rest and be quiet, and yet to know when that time will come... crying softly, not over my exhausting run but for my father's loss, as I type
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5 comments:
Sometimes we don't stop because pausing makes us reflect and think... pausing forces us to deal with the things we've been avoiding or denying the existence of.
It's ok to not want to be sad right now... it's ok to not want to feel just yet... but when you're ready, nothing makes you feel more alive when you discover that you actually have a heart that feels, a mind that thinks and a soul that wills.
As much as you'd hate to hear me say it.. I know you'll be right bc you have God. (And I mean that with all sincerity and know what I'm talking about). Your life is meant to be a 'good different' because you've discovered (and continue to discover) His love.
Lost my grandad last Dec. I wasn't there at his funeral but I remember feeling the loss... and then crying when I heard mom's voice break under the emotions she was holding back over the phone..
I reckon it's good that the reality of things hit us in stages.. It might prolong things but at least each stage is manageable.. Whatever it is, just know that there are always people around you with ready arms to give hugs and ready ears to listen...
*hugzz*
I can sympathise with you as I went through the same thing when I was 19, and you will go through your ups and downs in dealing with it, and there is no time frame or when you have to deal with it, just when you're ready. We have an amazing God who cries when you cry and hurts when you hurt, but above all, He will help you through all this. Am here if you need anything *big hugs*
hey, i know exactly how you feel. i lost two grand parents within six months of each other. it was the same for me, immersing myself in school and other things kept me from having to contemplate how much i would miss them or what i would give to get one grandad to pat my head (i hated that) or the other to give me all his loose change whenever i visit.
like ange said, it's okay not to be sad, but it's not okay if you keep it in and not let it out. it can do bad things to you.
well, the bloggies should have a coffee night soon.
Hope you finally got some rest in this weekend. I'm sure you did. Wonder if everyone's done getting married/dying for now? Wonder if this has been going on all along and I've only just started noticing...?
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