how was your cup day? mine was ok... i mean, i got to spend quite a bit of time with some pretty good friends, both of acf and coc variety... i got to eat decent enough food (red silks and bbq meat (i.e. not canned food)), & went through a full set of exercises. when it all comes down to the bottom line, it seems balanced, & full enough... doesn't it...?
i'm not sure if it's because i'm getting closer to yet another juncture where i try & figure out what to do with the next part of my life, or if it's the random & fleeting popping ins of once significant people, that has gotten me feeling a bit out of it... it could even be the bizar sleeping patterns i held the previous two or so days (yeah, bizar even for me...)
maybe i'm just being greedy... & not appreciative enough... maybe there ARE times where I just need to relax... & be thankful... I dunno...
don't get me wrong... i love my friends & think they're incredibly wonderful people, and in all honesty I do think of them as perhaps better than me, if i were to state things simplistically...
the thing is, even as i sat there, & laughed & ate... i just felt like the world was somewhat slipping away
i'd seen them most of them, in the same setting, only a few days ago... & it really scared me the thought that my extrapolated life could just be series of meaningless gatherings
again, lemme restate, i love my friends, & I think the world of them, & incredibly highly of them... this isn't a reflection on them at all... but moreover a reflection of me
simply, i want my life to be brilliant - not just for my own sake, but in the name of those who have gone on before me... in the revelation of lifes finiteness... in revelation bourne from those who have passed away, that every minute is precious and God blessed
there are times, times that i've absolutely cherished & that have been absolutely necessary, that i've spent doing 'nothing' with my friends... but in each... in each there'd been an adventure there... whether it'd be on a rooftop in the city, or a rooftop in the suburbs next to freeway construction
i want so badly to run so hard with every breath i have, to still be running when my time on earth is up (however soon that might be), making differences, however small, to ease some of the pain in this world... just sometimes... sometimes it's hard to figure out where to start... & sometimes just a little morbid when you realise the very real possibility of being trapped in world where you find yourself doing the same thing, all the time
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All the hard questions, hm? Why ask why? Does it really achieve anything more than to bounce your voice off the walls around you? No, I don't know. Hell, that's why I asked you man!
Guess the fact of the matter is that we're not really afraid of mortality at all...really just afraid that when we realise our mortality in the most tanglbie way...that it'll all have been for nothing. And who am I to say that you oughtn't fear that as much as the next guy? Rahaha! No one, to be sure! But as long as you keep in mind that chance for life to have been utterly worthless, there's an opportunity for you to actively make it not so. That's what you're doing right? Don't worry about routine. It's normal to keep some sort of pattern (even, dare I say it, in sleeping...?). Normal people do that. It's ooookaaaaaaay. Anyway, because I'm your shrink I'm sure we'll talk about this at your next appointment. Rahaha!
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